Loins Ablaze
At Bob's Poetic Surgery Shack, we know how important a well-timed fire in your loins can be. We got the idea for fuel tanks early on, but years of trial-and-error with pilot lights (can leave embarrassing scorchmarks even on asbestos underwear) left us scratching our heads among the pungent smoke of burnt hair.  Our EUREKA! moment came one evening when idly watching our secretary opening bottles with her thighs.

What We Do
Twin incisions are made down the length of the inner thighs, and slim, flexible tubes are inserted, filled with gas. At the top end, recycled flint assemblies from old lighters are carefully sited opposite one another.

How it Works
At the critical moment, inward pressure of the thighs, combined with some judicious rubbing simultaneously breaks the tube seal and sparks the flint.  The resulting sheet of flame can be impressive, and assuming it catches something combustible, can smoulder most poetically, creating that afterglow you're so fond of.

Warning: Bob's Surgery Shack products do not carry 3rd-party insurance

Moist Loins
Mother Nature does her best, but we can't rely on Her to keep us permanently in that state of liquid trembling which befits a lifestyle poetess (and, if I may add a comment here, we can't rely on Her to make an appearance in everything we write, either).

Bob's offers two products:

1. Moist Loins De-Luxe -
A simple bodyformed plastic cup with internal moistening sprays, activated by a squeezebulb cunningly located in the armpit.

2. Moist Loins Super De-Luxe -
This surgical enhancement is currently under development - you gals sure are complicated down there, aren't you? It's made me look at the wife in a whole new light, I can tell you. Still, she seems pleased enough about it all.

Loins Locked Together

What We Do
Our local tattooist does piercing, so we got him to give us the basics over a couple of cold ones. Just tell us the angle you want, and Vince will do the rest.

Heart-shaped padlocks available at extra cost.

Raging Loins

What We Do
New recordable chip technology has freed us from the cumbersome cassette players for this one.

A unisex operation inserts a wafer of silicone and a miniature loudspeaker subcutaneously, sited just above the pubic bone. From then on, it's just a question of choosing the recording you want:

(Available: TV Evangelist, Right-Wing Populist, Heartbroken Adolescent in Toilet at Party, Performance Poet)